Coronation Street. Of course it was Coronation street that made me break down and cry in a way that I honestly don’t remember ever doing before now. Fucking Coronation Street. I hate that show.
I thought a while back that I should try writing to you; that maybe then I could say all of the things that went unsaid between us. All of the things you wanted to hear me say, but I just couldn’t, or wouldn’t, or hadn’t even thought of.
So. What now? What do I say? What can I say?
I think the main thing that I need to say is that I’m sorry. I’m oh so very sorry that I built an emotional wall between us in order to protect me from the pain that you were living in. I wish I could say that I didn’t realise that I was doing it, but it was intentional. Maybe not at first, but as soon as I became aware that it was a coping strategy that was working for me I doubled down. I doubled down hard.
I remember being quite proud of myself when I was younger about how well I handled our relationship. I knew back then that it would, at some point, as my 19 year-old self so succinctly put it, “come back to bite me”. And it has. I mean, I’m OK. I’m more than OK, I’m having a great life full of love, happiness, gratitude, and laughter. But now whenever I allow myself to think about the pain that I must have caused you in my quest for self-preservation, my heart breaks into a million tiny pieces for you. I’m sorry. I’m so very, very sorry.
I think that’s all for now. One step at a time, eh? I hope that I make the time to write again. I hope it’s OK with you that I’m airing our dirty laundry on the Internet. I don’t know why this feels more appropriate than writing it and keeping it private. Maybe it’s because I need to feel like I’m sharing it with you, even if I’m only actually sharing it with strangers.
I love you Mum. I’m sorry that I didn’t allow myself to love you while you were still here.
Speak soon-ish,
Jx
